- I wrote this before his first birthday...
Dearest Kabir,
You came into our lives on All Saints Day , rather ironic since we named you after an ancient Sufi Saint . Your journey began one morning as I woke your father up, waving a positive pregnancy test in front of his expression of disbelief. We had been hoping and praying for a little miracle, and now our dream had finally come true.
Although nine months doesn’t sound like a long time, it certainly felt like it. We anxiously waited with baited breath as the first few weeks went by. Nervous about every single twinge until our first doctor's appointment. You may have been smaller than a pea but to us your heart beat was big and strong. We looked together in amazement at that small black and white monitor, feeling grateful that things were going well. You grew and leaps and bounds as my belly expanded beyond what we ever could have imagined possible. As my body changed week by week, I felt a strange sense of metamorphosis take place within my own being as well. I nurtured you with healthy food, Vivaldi and many happy thoughts until it was again time to see who you were becoming. Once again your Father and I stood staring in fascination at that magical screen. What was once a tiny tidbit of life now had organs, bones, hands, feet and a sweet little face. It was surreal, you were a person in every sense of the word…our beautiful son. We watched the video tape over and over again, trying to make out all the details, attempting to memorize every part of you. Then one day you moved - we were sitting in the car and you rolled from one side of my stomach to the other side. It was the first time I truly felt like someone was really growing inside of me. After that you made your presence known at every opportunity. Your Father did everything imaginaeble to entertain you, and you responded wonderfully by kicking with excitement.
As the months rolled on I had to adjust to my new, ever-changing, body. Near the end I was literally busting at the seams, I didn’t think I could take it for much longer, I really wanted you to be born. The anticipation was agony (so was walking to and from the train to work! ). Every step became almost unbearable, needless to say I was so happy to finally go on maternity leave. One morning I didn’t feel quite right, the doctor told me to go to the hospital to monitor your heartbeat as a precaution. I was convinced that this was a false alarm, my contractions were not consistent like all the books had described– but boy did they hurt! Regardless, I managed to clean the whole house before leaving for the hospital. Your Nani came to pick me up, she was so excited, even though I kept telling her we’ll be coming back home shortly. As far as I was concerned this couldn’t be labour, I was sure that I would have some maternal instinct that would let me know when it was time. I was wrong, as we reached the hospital the contractions were so intense I could barely move. I called your Dad, he was elated even though I still kept telling him it was probably a false alarm. I think I was trying to keep myself calm with the denial.
We waited and waited. Your Father and Nani played cards while I was given glorious pain relieving medication – God bless that doctor! You were moving pretty fast, the nurse said you would be here by dinner time. Then the unthinkable happened, due to unforeseeable complications the doctor announced that she would have to deliver you by c-section. I did not plan for this in any way. I never even read what this operation entailed, I never thought it would happen to me. Terror gripped my entire body - for me the intravenous drip had been a big deal, surgery was the last thing I anticipated. I planned for a natural birth – physically, mentally and spiritually. Now I was going to have you surgically removed from my body. It felt and sounded so wrong. Without delay, I was being taken to the operating theatre. So many things went through my mind, most of all the possibility that I would never get to see you. I turned to look at your Father sitting by my side who was trying so hard to be as brave as he could for me. I knew all along he was equally as scared as I was. I kept thinking “Does he know how much I love him? Did I ever tell him? What if I don’t get the chance to again?”. So I looked at him and said “There are so many things I want to say to you….” He just put his hand on my head and said “Don't worry, I already know.” Then we both went silent and began to mutter our own prayers beneath our breath. The doctors scurried about the room preparing...before we knew it you were out. Your Father saw you first. He said he saw your huge leg come out. He stood next to the heating table while they cleaned you up. He kept looking at me with an expression of complete shock. They brought you over to show me, you looked straight into my eyes. It was like a moment of recognition between you and I. You were perfect, but most of all you were ours…forever. I wanted to hold you so badly but the drugs from the operation had made my body so numb I could barely move or breathe. They took you to the nursery with your Dad where he had the honour of presenting his son to the entire family anxiously waiting in the maternity wing. He stood by proudly while the nurses examined you and measured you. It was the happiest moment of his entire life.
I was made to wait in the recovery room for quite sometime. I wanted to see you again so much. I felt terribly alone, wishing I could be with the family and share in all the happiness. It wasn’t fair. Finally they strolled me back to my room where everyone was eagerly waiting. I remember looking at your Nani and thinking “Wow, this must be how she felt when I was born.”. Until that very moment I never truly knew or understood how much she loved me. I’ll never forget thinking about how she had walked me through life and now I would be doing the same with you – as if somehow a torch was being passed onto me. Then, at last, I held you. The love I felt was so powerful, for the first time I was someone’s mother, it was overwhelming.
You were conceived in me, and grew inside of me, because of this alone no matter what happens you will continue to be apart of me. I may have gave you life but you my darling have given me a reason for living. In you I am reborn, I have learned to appreciate the simple things I have taken for granted for so long. Every time you look at me and smile I wish I could freeze that minute in time, when you laugh I wish that sound could ring in my ears for an eternity. I watch intently as you begin to explore through all of your senses, and I am looking forward to discovering the world again with you - step by step, moment by moment.
Forever,
Mama xoxo
